I just think a giant human is going to sit on Johnny's head and that will be that.

Yeah, but think of how fuckin' good the speech would have been if they'd won.

The most shocking part of this whole thing is finding out the Browns have a PR guy.

She would've been married and would probably have kids right now, except all the men who were foolish enough to think she was someone they could sleep on are now littering her past with their bones.

I actually got my hands on the very card Jones was trying to hand in; the legibility is shaky, so pardon my transcription:

This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef. This little piggy HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LITTLE PIGGY?!

His annual report will read all of five words, "The stock is doing good."

Whether or not you agree will probably depend on whether or not you think the circular nature of tragedy—the way our own mistakes return to us at high speeds and oblique angles, like ricochet—is just part and parcel of being born.

Reminds me of the Mitch Hedburg joke.

Well the petition makes me laugh. 'Release Rise of the Tomb Raider on PS4/PC or face a boycott on [sic] the game.'

As a perfectionist/procrastinator myself, I try to remind myself that the Perfect is the enemy of the Perfectly Fine.

driver missed a stop sign and drove into a churchyard.

That's all well and good for people with 3 legs, but I only have 2.

Cheat codes.

Do you know how Clemson got it's name? Well it was started by a guy named Clem Harvard. Now at first he said he wanted to name it Harvard University, but they told him that there was already a prestigious institution named Harvard. S then he said, "I will name it Clem University!". But then everyone told him that…

I went to see Land Before Time as a kid, and they put Bambi on.

Best arm I've seen in 20 years.

Existential dread and ennui are implicit in The Sims.

Way to go third base coach! The way you just stood there while your players were mowed down like dandelions was epic.

He's really good at completely avoiding the question.