What!? But there’s celeb gossip to report on!

Huh, its ALMOST like maybe this is the kind of reporting Jezebel should be doing itself...

100/100 would watch on re-run

DISTOPIAN FEMINAZI FUTURE!

Women only spend their money on shoes and handbags anyway!

I tell my friends kids about how I eat pizza and candy almost every meal. They’re impressed. Apparently my ex-girlfriend was not.

I often am stuck with a “I ain’t got the spoons for this shit” day and I have, on more than one occasion, awarded myself with a fancy coffee or a cookie just for taking a shower or brushing my teeth. Because there was a time in my life where those things didn’t happen for far longer than I’m comfortable revealing…

okay but i finally learned how to fold a fitted sheet and that was a proud moment

For this to be perfectly historically ironic, we need a British group to swoop and steal the treasure from both of them.

Considering that kids past their first birthday are often considered unadoptable—much less black children—this is a pretty damn nice thing for Bullock to do. Good on her.

Yes! WTF is it with dentists trying to chat? My mouth is full of your hands/dental tools. I am physically incapable of answering you, so why the fuck are you asking me questions?

Is this me being punished for requesting a KARDASHIAN FREE WEEK on Jezebel?

He said “look behind the cash register”. Because fuck them if they’re brown, or if they have an accent, or ESPECIALLY if they’re wearing funny clothes.

Maybe the person who wrote “God Bless Alan” meant it like “God Bless him and that tiny pea brain that is rattling around his his big potato head”

When is Obama gonna wake up and do something about the spread of Christian Sharia in this country? We are under constant attack from these radicals trying to destroy our way of life and he’s busy making out with the Gays and giving healthcare to the poor. We need to man up and send ground troops into Wisconsin,…

Okay, Idris Elba, it doesn’t have to be James Bond. We just want you to play a hot, sexy spy who goes around with his shirt off. And sometimes his pants. You owe us for sitting through No Good Deed just to watch you with Taraji P. Henson. (Okay, fair we didn’t actually sit through No Good Deed). But still, we ask so…

Hello no haters please and thank you

Well, I know how I’m going to spend my evening now!

Is it wrong that I spent at least half hour yesterday looking at all the Amazon reviews from angry moms with their kid’s bad hair pictures? It’s so funny and entertaining. Like, for fucks sake, it says on the box that they stick to hair. Maybe don’t let your kids play with it alone if they're prone to putting stuff in…

Preach. My man works overnight two nights a week, and although I’m always like “byeee baby I’ll miss yooooou” the second he leaves I place myself in the geographic center of our king, arrange ALL the pillows and ALL the blankets the way I see fit then stretch out like a motherfucking starfish. It’s the best part of my…