are we talking this:

That story about the woman who got doused with red wine? I had a similar experience and similarly laughed it off. As a server was setting a nice large martini (with a lemon twist, not an olive) in front of me his hand trembled for some reason and the whole thing went down the front of my shirt. The look of horror on…

They sure look different when they grow up...

easy method. shout “Hey Bob!” and see which kittens turn around

You have cat to be kitten me right meow

I had a huge brown spider crawl out of the space between my windshield and the frame of the car while I was driving. Freaked me the heck out. I tried to kill it and it scurried back into the frame. I’m now worried that it will lay eggs and the babies will get into the inner workings of the car and turn it into a…

Wait, that’s only acceptable when we’re teenagers. Maybe that’s why my wife is always annoyed with me.

So basically the vast majority of my comments to date have been boring? Damn, I crack myself up all the time.

What a dick... there is a bee shortage man...

Hey dude, can you please stop leaving notes on my Hummer? Thanks.

DON’T. FUCKING. KILL. BEES.

Dude! Cheez-its are the shiz-its! Throw in some Mountain Dew and Xbox and your night is set!

Cheez-Its or Goldfish (cheddar), who you got?

There are more mountain lions in LA than there are basements.

I've had some great customer service at PF Chang's. When I was a senior in high school (like, right after PF Chang's opened in my city, and I adored it . . . still do) I had my graduation luncheon there, with about 20 of my closest girlfriends and my grandmothers, mom, and aunts. My maternal grandmother was losing her…

Friday my bf and I went to Chipotle. He always asks for extra cheese, and is similarly disappointed. Well this time the girl behind the counter took both hands, grabbed massive amounts of cheese and dumped it on the burrito. Twice. I guess I looked surprised when she did it because she said "The man asked for extra…

One time when I was outside of a Cheesecake Factory smoking a cigarette a man propositioned me thinking I was a hooker.

I wonder if anyone ever comes here and is like "Oh my god, that was me."

Paragraphs would have been helpful here. So what I got was that you sharted on a mountain lion that you were also spooning with all night... is that right?

Along with a magical rainbow that appeared outside my bedroom window yesterday and this essay today, I am an emo mess of a man this week. And it's only Tuesday.