I guess you could say they...man-eloped.

Idk, I feel like pandas are a close second. Like, they only eat bamboo, but bamboo doesn’t have enough nutrients, so they have to eat a FUCK TON of it to survive. That makes them fat and then they’re basically too fat and tired to reproduce. SO USELESS.

I don’t understand the fun of ocean swimming. Who could enjoy swimming above a giant abyss filled with monsters. I don’t even like lake swimming because of the chance of a salmon touching my leg

Right? So Tig Notaro, Megan Mullally, and Nick Offerman probably hang out together. Leaving a fourth spot open for me at their next dinner party.

That's blackface.

I'm white, but that doesn't look like blackface to me...?

my religious freedom is being attacked because there are other religions

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Jesus always struck me as the crossfit type.

i agree with you...but like...less aggressively.

Yeah. People are fascinated by you, but not for the reasons you think.

Poor Rita Ora. She’s the Ann Veal of the music industry.

Stop trying to make Rita Ora Happen...She’s not gonna happen!!

Knowledge of Tinsley Mortimer is like buying jewelry - if you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it.

That’s all fine and good, but where the hell is Devorah Rose?!?!?

A girl did this in my high school. She made me feel bad because i sad something like “what, do you have cancer or something?” sarcastically when she was acting all glum. I told her then she was an asshole for trying to make me feel guilty for something i could not have possibly known about and everyone thought I was a…

"Oh, are you the paralegal?"

The first example to come to mind:

Ah, yes. When I was hired, the job description said X amount of money. I got less then X, tried to negotiate, and was told in a year I would be bumped up. In a year, I got rave performance reviews and told I was doing everything perfectly. However, all of a sudden, “Nobody gets raises or promotions” before 2 years.…