Nope. Rice is Chinese and China is using global warming hoaxes to advance their sinister agenda.

Actual footage of his staff keeping his phone from him

Um excuse me, third most anticipated twins of 2017. I am personally expecting a boy and a a girl in October.

This might be an unpopular opinion, but stereotypes are often based on a grain of truth. There are a lot of black people where, if you poison their children, they won’t think it’s fair to tell them they have to pay for the poison. Oh wait, not just black people, people in general are like that. Well, whatever.

god I love this shit

I so needed to read this today. I’m that person. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told a joke in the middle of a conversation that was not well received and I worried all day if those people were offended, or they didn’t like me anymore, etc. It’s exhausting picking at every little thing. I’ll try this.

Because sometimes you just need a cat pic.

Toward the end of my pregnancy I told people I could trust (my mom, my husband) to tell EVERYONE to fucking stop calling.

What are some boundaries you established with your pushy in-laws especially in regard to your first pregnancy?

So... I did something today.

To be fair, if my plane crashes and the only survivors are me and Idris Elba then I’m totally going to try to fuck him. Hell, I might try to fuck Kate Winslet too...I mean, if I’m probably going to die anyway then at least I’ll die having ticked that of my “to-do” list.

I’m really worried about the dog, guys.

#forthetroops

Gonna screen shot this and put is here for after he deletes it:

I like to imagine that your wife works at a very small workplace, and everybody in the office is wondering who the mystery shitter is.

While I am happy that this bear has been rescued from its predicament, I am currently unhappy with nature. I stepped outside on my porch for just a moment and suddenly felt something whap my shoulder. I was outside for less then a minute and a damn bird pooped on me. And attempting to take my shirt off without getting…

So remember the guy I said I had a crush on from work? Then I got on a dating website and was hating it because I can’t deal with rejection? Well. Today I matched with the guy from work. And I’m like “Is this awesome or is this awkward?” I’m saying awesome. I liked him with a green heart and now I’m waiting to see if…

I watched the story break on CNN last night. I flipped to Fox and Tucker Carlson was doing a report titled “burritos and ‘cultural appropriation’. “

Don’t forgive the early voters; he was still a creationist who believes that dinosaurs died in the Noah’s Ark flood :/

Montana is 0.3% of the population of the United States. It has very little in common with either the places most Republicans live (namely, the inner suburbs of large cities in the South and interior West, and the outer suburbs of large cities on the coasts and in the Midwest) or the places most Democrats live. The…