All of a sudden I have a hankerin' for some caramel apples and raw milk, followed by some free climbing.

*Sneezes while rooting around shelves at the VS warehouse, grabs the nearest pair of clean looking panties to dab nose, places them neatly back into a plastic bag and drops them in a box with the rest of your order*

You're good to go!

But seriously I recently got a pair of gym pants from VS online, the pants were still…

I knew I was truly an adult when my mom gave me a vacuum for Christmas and I thought it was the best. present. ever.

When I was like 5 I thought clappers were THE. FUCKING. COOLEST. But my parents just wouldn't indulge that shit and gave me a doll or something? Idk. But whenever I went to a friend's house who had them I was fucking delighted.

Worst: my boyfriend at the time gave me a framed and autographed head shot of himself. It would have been funny if he hadn't actually been an aspiring actor, but he was. He managed to score a small speaking part in a movie that was filmed in our midwestern city, and then we went to the cast and crew premiere and his…

My best Christmas gift, was when a guy I knew, who had no close family of his own, had me stay with him. I stayed in his house until after New Years. I got to see snow, and build a snowman for the first time. He took me ice skating for the first time. He then gave me something off my bucket list, a kiss in the snow.

Growing up, my family and I belonged to a religion that didn't allow most celebrations—Christmas and birthdays included. As such, I went most of my childhood without experiencing either.

I have a goodie! Three years ago, my grandmother on my mom's side decided since my sister and I didn't have children, she wasn't speaking to us. Mind you, I was 24 and my sister was 21. Both very single.

My first Christmas back from college, my father had to hove open heart surgery (a bypass, the operation that killed his father, because we needed MORE STRESS over the fucking holidays...). He went in on the 23rd, surgery was successful, but he was in the hospital over Christmas and it sucked. So Christmas eve, mom…

You could actually see them turn into eight-year-old boys over the course of the segment. So good.

"it's mom..." I can only hope to embarrass my kids, on that level, at some point in their lives.

Monkeys everywhere are thirsty little criminals:

Agree. I don't know why it's so hard for people to understand even the most obvious of animal behaviors. It doesn't take a genius to see that monkey is already pissed in the first picture... Score is Monkey: 1000 points. Clueless lady: 0 points + 1 bald spot.

The monkey is standing on a see-no-evil monkey statue. I love everything about this.

Yeah, #TeamMonkey on this one.

So many people think They Might Be Giants are a comedy band. But this song is actually really sad.

SLOOTJES LOPIK. That's what it says on the crane, and that's what you get for using a crane from IKEA.

My birthday is exactly a week before Christmas, and as such, is almost always the day that my office chooses to have their holiday party. This has happened several times over the years with various jobs, and it is generally uncomfortable and has occasionally gotten weird.

The most memorable, however, was several…

I've never shoplifted. I'm black and was raised by a single father. Every time we went shopping for anything except groceries, sales associates constantly followed us around the store as if we were thieves. It was clear to me pretty early on that shopping (or doing anything in public) while black could be a hassle so…

Once in my 20's, having never stolen anything, I decided while getting gas that I was going to steal a hershey bar just to have done it once in my life. I did, and drove away all excited. I was a badass!!!! As I started to eat it, my boyfriend told me he had paid for it when he paid for the gas.