He has debts, you have an unstable job and you are looking at a house on the higher end of your price range? No! This is not the house for you.

And how bout a little bit of this:

I got great news today! I got into the Master's of Special Education program I applied for. I start in January. It'll be new and exciting because I've never taken an education course or worked at a school before, I know it's something I want to do because I've been working with people with special needs for years, and…

Thank you, that's what my therapist said too. It's ok to mourn. I have supplies for rum and cokes!

i'm putting up my christmas tree! such joy. forcing mariah carey on my housemates. they love me.

My divorce was final yesterday. Going to court was very surreal, it was so quick and emotionless. Afterwards I went straight to the social security office and changed my name back. It felt like getting a piece of myself back that's been gone. I had lost myself for so many months in trying to save my marriage.

Exactly. My partner has finally figured out that it's specific things, rather than a general hatred of anything new. Like, I can't bear to bite a raw tomato, but I can handle bruschetta because it's diced up really tiny and the crunchy bread masks the squishiness of the tomato. Or how the difference between asparagus…

That sounds like my dream date.

Doesn't eat any vegetables, I get. But some people have toddler eating habits because they have SERIOUS issues with texture. As someone who is like this and who has taken years trying to learn to like SOME normal things, grudgingly, because the second they touch my tongue my stomach still turns, I assure you it is not…

I think he's in for a surprise, because a really sizable portion of women in my general age group had a crush on the Robin Hood who was literally and figuratively a fox.

I found out that his mother drove an hour in from the suburbs once a week to clean his bathtub for him.

Didn't believe in vaccinations. Ended it right there.

I wanted one of these so bad as a kid, and my parents wouldn't get it for me because they thought it was a stupid fad toy. Well, JOKE'S ON YOU MOM AND DAD. Puppy surprise is back and now I'm a 30-year-old with a salary and an unknown number of baby puppy-sized holes in my heart.

Babycakes of Earth, you have great rage in your heart. Welcome to the Red Lantern Corp.

Bring on Dex-Starr!

His cat's name is Babycakes. Babycakes is not to be trifled with.

"I shall avenge you!"

I hope when I'm older like these ladies, I'm still eating snacks, smoking weed and playing Jenga and Cards Against Humanity, too. I hope this is my future.

I know her. She's actually a lot like this all the time. She's a hoot.

"Pussy farts, the Musical!"