Well Hell, I got Yankee soil on my boot.

Fuck this shit.

Welp. My fodder has not been hit with a cannon blast, but you can bet your cannon balls I’m stealing this.

Shot Wad Facializes Black And White.

Not the Antonio Brown come back story I expected.

“This looks really bad...but we know he can masturbate to completion,” argued Patriots owner Bobby Two-Strokes*. “Surely, I can still find something for him to do.”

So rather than genuine personality conflict, it sounds like the dispute between Antonio Brown and Ben Roethlisberger was more of a “Tastes Great / Less Filling” type of problem.

Yeah, man. The lucrative field that gold diggers have been utilizing for years: being raped. 

The reason real he and Ben Roethlisberger didn’t get along was because they were too similar.

I think I can sue AB for assault after reading that text message. It definitely gave me brain damage.

I know this happened in the Unitedstatesistan, a savage land whose political rule is passed down hereditarily by one ethnic group’s elite and which has few if any worker rights and safety nets, but a basis tenet of labour law in civilized countries is that an employer has to use progressive discipline before…

Yeah, I doubt there is any contract you can sign in any business where you get $30M guaranteed and then immediately jet off to live in the Mediterranean and never be seen again, while the other side just shrugs their shoulders and says “Oh, well. I guess we have to keep paying him.” I would bet that the “guarantee”…

I’m extremely confused by all of this. He tried to fight his boss and has on multiple occasions refused to show up to work, and Deadspin’s biggest bone of contention seems to be that the Raiders are being unfair by not guaranteeing his salary.

It’s too bad. Brown seemed to really want to be on the Raiders, but ultimately he just got cold feet.

Thank you for this. Deadspin has been caping for AB during this whole thing when it is 100% AB's fault. None of the other hundreds of players have his problems, but somehow this is all the Raiders' fault. 

Oh, God. I was getting all worked up about how much I should hate everyone involved in this story and this didn't even occur to me. 

I am an attorney. A bad one, but that is besides the point. I believe there a clause that any guarantees can be voided for “conduct detrimental to the team.” I would say committing a potential felony against the head coach and calling the GM “cracker” in front of the team meets that standard. But what do I know. 

I have an idea of what kind of person being dwells in that house and I’m pretty sure even Pennywise would stay far away from that house.

[cue audience hooting and hollering]

I wanna see you sticking your hands up these guys asses and workin’ ‘em like a fuckin’ puppet!