So next year put all of the players in the NFL on the cover, and football will be shut down.

For those amongst you with both kids AND taste:

I know cuz he’s got to try to woo a baby.

So sorry:  That’s aso part of my prank.

I once pranked the world into believing that I’d been keeping my shit together this entire time and that everything is going to be okay.

Also, your name wins. 

You know who didn’t win? My wife, when I decided to power watch all three of those on Netflix in one sitting. 

Did you know that they're currently filming the sequel? The baby has to choose whether to date Colin Firth or dead Hugh Grant. Whimsy! 

No. He's sane. It's sociopathy.

Did you guys also wander the bike path next to the Whole Foods? For that matter, did you go eat samples at the Whole Foods?

You know who else capitalizes all nouns? Nazis... Okay, Germans, per their writing mechanics.

Every time you mention him, I will respond with "but he's cute." Whether or not I even think that is irrelevant.

I am in love with how sad you are. 

If we stay on current trajectory for a couple more years, people will need to do decidedly uncool things with wire hangers :(

sigh

I didn’t write this. A commenter on WaPo did:

Joan Crawford does has no objections

I was in grad school at the time of my recovery, and I was sitting on an ice/gel pack while a presenter high up in my industry was presenting to the class. It ruptured, and this white goo was running down both of my pant legs, which my peer was delightful enough to loudly call me out on. It’s not like I got any…

No, the process. I stayed awake to what felt like spaghetti being pulled through a water balloon and the smell of my own cauterized innards just for the satisfaction of KNOWING that my wife and I now have permanent birth control.

When you're ready, though, snippy-snippy is so damn nice.