No way this is anything but a Fred Armisen Portlandia character.

The horrible thing is that even if (God willing) he's young enough to forget the details, his 3 siblings, who were with him and his mother, will most likely remember all too clearly what happened and how.

This is just about the saddest thing I have heard today. That poor kid. That poor family.

You, and Tom Cruise.

That's good advice, but that shrimp in the curtain rod trick is pretty funny

Here's my advice:

That must have been heavy to haul to school, in the snow, uphill both ways. A tip of the hat to you.

Secret boyfriend? I think you mean up-and-coming twink model he is managing in a strictly professional manner.

Miley was all gnared up on molly and was like:

People willingly go to Idaho?

That cat is clearly a Spock.

He was so charming!

They are! Except for when they're not.

Caucasians are harmless like bunnies.

A blowjob? Eh, if I'm going Montreal to Toronto I'd rather just take Air Canada and feel like I'd been properly fucked.

I'm not a creep, by the way.

I would like to put all of her shoes in a place where she can't find them then sprinkle her whole home with Legos. I would also like to make the only music she is ever allowed to listen to every song featuring Pitbull or Nickleback.

I've having trouble coming up with something bad enough to call this woman. Part of that is because all the worst insults are misogynistic, and I try really hard not to use those, but a good bit of it is just that she's an unbelievable fucking waste of a human being that I don't think a word bad enough exists.

Beautifully, But if you enjoy picking vegetables for below minimum wage, I'm sure we can find you a spot.