After reading his brief statement, Sessions declined to take questions.

So, a known kiddie fiddler was elected mayor.

I’m so glad we could set aside a day to ask the nation to pray to the magic man in the sky to help my city rebuild.

Ding ding ding!

Harriet Tubman? I hear people are very excited about what she’s doing. Really great, great things we’re seeing from her.

Houston will never see a dime of Trump’s alleged million dollar donation.

Just when you think that the administration can’t get any pettier, Steve Mnuchin signaled that he was reconsidering putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill.

UK Update:

It’s never a good time to talk about anything the GOP doesn’t want to talk about, especially gun control and climate change. If not now, when?? FEMA needs to focus on Texas. The EPA is not involved. So start looking at the science and talk to climate experts to analyze Harvey.

All I can think about is Michael Che’s comment on cops being put on “administrative leave.” “You never hear McDonald’s putting Carlos on ‘administrative leave’ while they investigate whether or not he put his pubes in the fries.”

Phones have always cost more than what the 2-year contract prices were. The actual data plan pricing was simply higher to compensate for the losses because of that.

UK Update:

They don’t even drink wine. That’s so conformist.

I’m sure it pairs nicely with a bottle of 3 Penis wine.

When you saw only one set of crow’s feet in the face

The problem is the three things affected most by the flood are the most expensive to replace: The electrical system, the interior and the transmission. It’ll be cheaper to buy a new car than to replace those three things, which is why the insurance company writes them off as a total loss. Furthermore the unemployed…

Daniel-Day Lewis is going to come out of retirement, isn’t he?

Here’s my hot take prediction: at least two actors will win Oscars for playing Trump within the next 20 years. And what performances they will be! He’s truly the Henry VIII of our time (or Richard Nixon, for that matter).