I met my life partner in 1961. In 1964 we cut out of a microbiology lab, went down to the Multnomah County Courthouse, got hitched, and went back and finished the lab. The judge, out of pity for how young and naive we seemed, wouldn’t even take the customary $10 we offered him. At 79, we’re very much in love, and…

I thought that was a *written* rule?

No Memphis Belle? Worth a watch!

My Dad taught me to always keep a spare copy of my tickets in my carry-on. So I always do.

“Bras are basically anti-gravity devices, which means the heavier your breasts are (and the further they are from the ground)“

Counterpoint: shut up.

Also, don’t be poor

Don’t forget the line “there’s a bad moon on the rise” in Creedence’s Bad Moon Rising misheard as “there’s a bathroom on the right.”

**Adds in a shitty rap song 99% of the population have never heard of before for some unknown reason**

Well coke and sex orgies involving *them*

The first mistake is calling it a speech. It is supposed to be a toast, not a speech. The biggest mistake in 99% of toasts I’ve witnessed is that they are far too long. No one wants to hear you rambling on and on about your entire history together.

Counterpoint - don’t attend weddings you don’t want to go to and let other people have their fun. 

She’s not a bloodsucker, but Yuko is the single most worthless contributor to this sad incarnation of Lifehacker.

This is fucking crass, not funny at all. 

Enter password: correcthorsebatterystaple

For some reason I’ve never had to worry about how long liquor lasts after opening the bottle.

Except that this author forgot that the string mentioned in the XKCD comic has spaces in it.

For starters, we cannot advise smirking and laughing like Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.

Similar... “put in the hours, and the execs will notice.”

“Happy wife, happy life”