Looks like the bite severed his spinal column, based on the victim's inability to remain standing.

Horrible. Just horrible that these announcers get so animated for goal calls, but can't even throw in a couple extra vowels for the bite.

I have the hardest time believing that this video is real because WHY WAS HE RECORDING THOSE SITUPS? Why?

It’s “off the cuff” not “off the cusp”. The rest of your post was a bit of a damp squid after that.

Go set your nearest treadmill at 6.6mph. If you don't break into a trot, you're going to fall off the back.

I am a little suspicious of the details in Becca's Sonic story, for the simple reason that I have never heard anyone in Texas say that they "went to university." I grew up in Texas and am an A&M grad myself. That's Yankee speak to my ears. Just saying.

Proper way to respond to the last customers:

LED lights are not found on police cars.

That seems overly gracious of you. You should call that out next time. Important point: I did not know that Malik was a Muslim. If you don’t know that fact, it seems as if the joke is about their similar appearances.

I doubt it. This is his driver’s license photo.

I'm disappointed by Netflix all the time because they constantly take movies and shows off their rotation with no prior warning! You know how sometimes you have a person you sleep with sporadically, and you might go a long time without calling each other, but he's always around when you need him? Until one day when…

Belichick is looking grey these days.

More titty, less granny.

You'd really expect him to be putting up better numbers in his 35th overage season.

Too bad his mother didn't go with Plan B.

"If the hockey moms can't handle me yelling and heckling at the rinks, I think they should stick to crosswords and knitting," Simms said.

It's a good thing he's found his calling, because I am pretty sure he can't find his shoelaces.

He's probably bitter because he can't get out of the grays.

"And this is for saying my dissertation on manganese reactions in a hydrate colloidal was flawed!" (body tackle)