The Carpenters’ tribute album - If I Were A Carpenter:

While my son is in no danger of getting an anvil dropped on him from great heights

The only person I want to pressure into doing sexual things is you, recognitions.

LIBTROD FROTHING BACUASE YOU TURN THEM ON WITH YOU’RE MANLYNESS! THERE VAGINAS FROTHING I MEAN......

There there. Whenever you start missing ‘em, just watch season four again, and you’ll go right back to being glad it’s gone.

“If you don’t think teaching a class on sex scenes and requiring women to be in some manner of undress isn’t sexual violence, then you’re an evil rapist!”

Things I get paid for on Kinja:

Luke: I can eat 45-day-old eggs.

This is your butt on facts:

ONE HOBO PER KID PER MONTH THIS ISNT DISNEYLAND!!!

The movie isn’t set in America.

TRIGGERED LIBS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?:!?!?!?!:

Conservatives are allergic to facts.

This is why I require my kids to murder one hobo per month. LEARN HOW UNIMPORTANT AND INCONSEQUENTIAL HUMAN LIFE IS, KIDS!!!

Remind me not to blow your mind by asking if you know how to keep an idiot in suspense... 

What are you talking about? Punishment? This is a great butt. The best butt. Many people are saying so.

Other side of disc:

Ain’t I a stinker

You want stories about cats?

Sean O’Neal is still here. It’s just you. Your heart has grown darker and stonier with every passing day. One day kids will walk by and ask each other, “Who is that a statue of?”