he looked into chartering a plane from West Virginia but discovered that there was a wide no fly-zone around Air Force One.

The only thing that any of these (insert chosen explicative) have an interest

My daughter, who is a toxicologist, is constantly threatening to hide cherry pits in my coffee beans

No, he does not

You say you’re always home alone

I must assuredly would

Are you kidding?

It’s true

There’s also a lot of fake secret societies.

Aren’t “Trump” and “credibility” mutually exclusive

Scaramucci means “small skirmisher” in Italian

The world just got a little darker

Deidre should have seriously maimed him, and put him out of my misery

Ketchup?

I am so goddam sick of cops regarding themselves as fucking martyrs

Less spicy?

In 2015, 2,799 children and teens died from gunshot wounds in the United States in 2015, one every 3 hours and 8 minutes. 
During the same year, 22 Americans will killed in action in Southwest Asia

Wassamdder wit youse?