seriously I always think of this story any time I eat pumpkin seeds

I didn't realize that sticking a finger in one's ass to see what's holding things up was even an option. Also, going to the vibrator to "shake them out" is fucking hilarious.

I've always loved this story. This is what gave me courage to manually ease discomfort when I'm constipated.

Every time I post a gross thing people are all "NOT AS GOOD AS THE PUMPKIN SEED STORY," so I got the greenlight to run it again to celebrate 2015!

Actually I'm quite generous and people think I'm funny. But think what you want. People are really taking my "she should donate her dress instead of destroying it" awfully personally and maybe those people should take a look at why they find this to be so threatening.

Or she could have donated the dress to someone who can't afford one. But you know, whatever, go ahead and be wasteful.

I AM NOT WATCHING THAT AND FUCK YOU FOR LINKING IT

Omg, you *need* to track some down ASAP. It is a doughy scallion pancake thing that you dip in soy sauce and it is unbelievably delicious.

my friend invited me out for NYE and i am like, already v antisocial in general- NYE is like...my idea of hell. it's cold. i am OBLIGATED to look cute. going anywhere, especially home, is an impossible shitshow.

I hate New Years Eve, but I feel compelled to go out. I can't explain it. I should just try to get over it and stay in with The Twilight Zone marathon.

oh god it got to be too much embarrassment and i had to stop

No. Wanting oral sex and being honest about it is not creepy. In fact, wanting any sex act and being honest about it is not creepy. It's only creepy if you lie about it - which this dude is not doing.

A blowjob? Eh, if I'm going Montreal to Toronto I'd rather just take Air Canada and feel like I'd been properly fucked.

Well, actually he's being honest about shoving down your throat.

Since those rich people want loads of poor people competing to nanny their rich brats and don't want the poors to have kids of their own to take attention away from their yuppiespawn. Also, since the rich have decided they don't give a shit about maintaining a workforce at home since they can just send jobs overseas…

Yeah, but jesus. Who can afford that? I mean, some can, but I certainly can't. I have to stretch my stupid asthma prescriptions 50% longer just because the deductible is so high that I have to pay out of pocket for health care. Anyway, I should probably just buck up and do it- but it also kinda feels like giving up…

Call him the Glad Man.

Depends on what sort of relationship you have with the local squirrels.

A feel-good anecdote, with regards to getting married because you're knocked up: