That’s quite the pile of Messershit.

I grab the syringe out the nurse’s hand and make them stare into my unblinking eyes as I bury the needle into my jugular and depress the plunger ever so slowly. I’m “no longer welcome” in most Walgreens within a 50-mile radius.

Hackers have broken the code securing Boring Co.’s super-secret design software, allowing us to peruse Elon’s never-before-seen plans for running tunnels under the LA basin:

Look, it’s perfectly simple. Let me explain Sandler to you in an understandable and articulate manner.

It’s obviously not the first time.

The Boy 2: Boy Howdy

You know the real problem with voter apathy?

[FARTS]

Because

He looks like the guy who, whenever somebody mentions ordering pizza at the smokeout, always wants to order Papa Johns. 

I feel like if a focus group tried to come up with an accurate slogan for humanity, “unmitigated gall” would pretty much nail it.

Not a lock. Cruz is leading by 4 to 7 points, based on polls, which are based on fallible turnout models. The best attitude is tempered expectations and the realization that even if Beto loses (which is more likely than the alternative) his campaign builds the party and helps Dems down ballot. He still has a realistic…

The ailing grandparent sounds like the name of Tes Cruz's favourite sex position. 

Say what you want about liking The Big Lebowski, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.

This might lose me some friends here, and excuse me for this Hot Take, but I’m just going to come out and say it...I’m starting to think that Ted Cruz is kind of unlikable.

What a coincidence. I, too, like Big Lebowski.