Simmer down now, the urban van surfing brings it up to C minus territory.

I don't think Change.org can force Cracker Barrel to do anything…
Why did you post a shitty article AV Club?

Meanwhile, my gas station hot dog just gave me food poisoning and the vomit was resplendent with color, so I posted it to Instagram as well .

"My God, You people and your doors" made me blow coffee on my desk. Well done.

Maybe barber shop quartets?

When Lorne Michaels gets a pair

You garner yourself some bum once, just once, and you're a bumgarner the rest of your life.

Rookie of the Year 2
Still starring Gary Busey

"Have any of you actually seen a chicken?"

I didn't know there was any question as to the filler content of Subway. It's soy and water with a touch of seasoning and a drizzle of meat industry by-product.

Do all celebrities live in Pittsburgh in secret?
I was confused, because any where there's a dirty bird, it's never uncharacteristicly rainy.

I heard he ate all the Umpa Lumpa and drank all the chocolate river and Willie Wonka had to close his factory.

Mostly "Think Pieces" from the Heritage Foundation and the John Birch Society.

Still less gross than some of those re-staged sibling photos

Chicken Pot, Chicken Pot, Chicken Pot…PIE!

That Island, like that town in Murder She Wrote, is a hellish nightmare of murder and vice. Maybe the cops should focus on crime prevention at this point.

But he promised to lower my taxes?

A nice moon base project is just want this country needs right now.
Donnie just screams at the moon out of fear and jealously.
Just kidding, Newts a shitbird too!

And he loved it!

Our local sheriff just politely told the federal govt to eff off on immigration raids. Local officers won't assist unless it's a wanted murderer or the like.