Fun fact: Fred Armisen did his pitch-perfect Penny Marshall impression for this memoir’s official book trailer. In it, Penny answers a phone call from Carrie.

Your commitment to tone in this comment never wavered. Excellent kinja.

A 2014 study out the Oslo Institute of Condimental Studies showed that 82.7% of all ranch dressing is consumed within 50 miles of an urban center. That’s not opinion. That’s empirical evidence that, yes, most ranch dressing is eaten by “city folk.”

Oh, what? Now all white people live in the city? What is it with you bastards? When is enough enough?

Just as absurd as a virgin birth, walking on water, multiplying fish and loaves of bread, transubstantiation, and rising from the dead in my opinion. Religions are absurd.

And those are the people that The Dems supposedly didn’t reach out to in this election? Exactly how the fuck was Hillary Clinton supposed to reach those willfully ignorant maniacs?

I am sure this is perfectly lovely but if I want to watch Beaches I will, you know, watch Beaches.

“I want to destroy you for your own good. Why can’t you see that, you ungrateful little shit that I effectively disowned.”

“He’s a drip”

Can anyone explain to me why dumb people think people who aren’t in the country legally can get on welfare? It’s already too hard for people who have never even left the country to get government assistance.

I thought for sure that the BLM would be abolished

The Nazis:

1. Rallied their supporters by protesting the Weimar Republic’s strict gun control policies, saying that they were disarming the German people.

2. Rallied their supporters by protesting the Weimar Republic’s nationalized healthcare plan, saying that noncontributing parasites were costing “real” hardworking…

You’re saying the sushi I was about to order from Craiglist might not be healthy?

Nah, Trump sensed a draft come into the room, so he was dodging it.

This comment is Sublime.

Don’t you know? Exactly 24 hours before being born, the baby sends you certified mail informing you it’s about to arrive. And it’s helpful because experts know that this is the best time to perform abortions.

They’re pretending late term abortion means waiting to full-term, inducing labor, and then stabbing the otherwise perfectly viable baby to kill it just before it crowns. Because opposing the reality of late term abortions (ie. it is typically a life-saving procedure) is pretty much impossible, so they resort to…