This is amazing.

Somehow I misread the last pull quote as “Democrats shut down the Senate and killed all but one remaining republican as retribution.”

That'll do, pig.

I didn't realize until many years later how messed up it was. I think that woman had some vendetta against my parents. Thanks, though. I appreciate it.

After a fourth grade teacher pulled me aside for a private chat with the school nurse after I chose not to go up to the altar during a “re-baptism” ceremony I was pretty done with Christianity.

Through good luck and having respected, important parents, she escaped the harm that evangelical churches regularly inflict on other people. Fine. But don’t act like you don’t get why evangelical churches are often villianized. It's because they fuck people up if you don't happen to be so lucky.

Right... except that evangelical churches are actually full of vultures desperately hungering for someone to put a toe across Jesus’s sacred line of acceptable behavior so they can cast them out and relentlessly shame them.

Right you know that video where you’re pretending to throw a ball that doesn’t actually exist and I keep falling for it and trying to fetch it? I was just a puppy and now the Doberman across the street is making fun of meeeeeee!

Surprised a Jewish guy of that age doesn't "traditionally" associate ghettos with the living conditions imposed on Jews in Germany in the 1930s. Which is where the term actually stems from, I believe.

People who follow particular diets are incredibly self-righteous about them. Vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, whatever it is they are rabid with the need to tell strangers that they will burn in hell unless they give up meat/wheat/lactose/whatever. It's weird.

I feel a need to quote Chris Rock. Michael Bloomberg announcing his decision not to run for president “Is like me boycotting Rihanna's panties. I wasn’t invited”

Yes, but restricting access to abortion is really about the shame. SHAAAAAAME.

No, it lands a little too close to be funny. Just depressing.

Because she had the nerve not to notice him attempting to flirt with her in the ninth grade, probably.

I think I will call and arrange for cookies to be delivered to her apt. I always feel awkward talking to friends I haven't heard from in awhile, but everyone likes cookies.

The fact that he used a knife really gets me. That had to be planned. So he went in thinking, "well, if she rejects me, I'll really make her pay"...wtf?

definitely.

I read the entire thing as satire from the moment the author justified canceling on plans with friends as giving them a snow day. Only very depressed or socially anxious people think like that. I took it as a roadsign that we were now leaving contact with reality.

Well, it’s an except from an actual book, according to the blurb. Those are generally better with context.

As someone with a weak chin and extensive experience trying to disguise it for photos...I'm not buying it. Only actual surgery or photoshop could alter a jaw that radically.