I went out with Conor Oberst a couple of times. The sex was meh, but I broke it off when he came over to my parents’ house for dinner and pretended like he didn’t know what a potato was. It was obvious to everyone that it was just a shitty joke that he refused to abandon, and my dad eventually kicked him out. I mean,…

This one is dated, and doesn’t technically involve the musician, but I’ll share. Also, I’m not sure if it is true, but considering my aunts love to tell the story when they’re drunk, and my mother gets all huffy while not explicitly calling it a lie, I believe it. My mom and two of her sisters came to the US (she’s…

Nah. Ryan Howard. That’s all you have to say about the idiocy of the Phillies. The Braves haven’t made any ostentatiously horrible decisions like that.

As a Bengals fan, that's my standard posture during the NFL season.

I haven't seen this many upset Kentuckians since their state Board of Education ruled you couldn't buy your GED with possum skins

I guess the bright side for Kentucky fans is that this loss preemptively saves the disappointment of vacating the title in a few years.

This one time while playing Halo 3, I got raped by an 11 year old kid. Things just weren't the same after that.

Those kids at the back of the bus need to quiet the hell down or I'm pulling over, making them put up their windows and turning the heat on.

They should do a "speedrun" of an experienced Ocarina player coaching a gamer who never played it before. This led to me fist fighting many of my friends in college.

In fairness to Lemon, when they told him he was going to interview a Grand Wizard, he thought they meant John Wall.

Laziest way to find weed: Go on craigslist and search "bud"/ "mary jane" / any other slang. When you come into contact with someone willing to sell to you, tell them you want to meet at Dunkin Donuts. If their response is "No, cops like donuts" you, my friend, have found yourself a drug dealer.

Boom, white balance. White and gold. End.

Thats mescaline not mezcal