Wait....has hollywood forgiven mel gibson? why is he even allowed on the stage?

Dear Entire Town of Dearborn, Kansas,

You know about “Ms.” right?

“They are still stunned that this is how it has all gone down,”

Watch out, Hillary. Floyd is gonna be really pissed when somebody reads this to him.

I would have loved to have seen a salad with 1 quartered garbanzo bean, and 6 whole beets in it.

“Keep that p***y tight while I’m gone.”

I'll second the HELL NO. I'm a 31 year old attorney, and my hair is well below shoulder length. There are plenty of other female attorneys whose hair is even longer, and absolutely no one cares (and law is a notoriously conservative profession).

Let's all agree that the best thing ever is canceling plans at the last minute to watch a drunk girl yell at her boyfriend. "Babe, I know I said I would help you move, but she just screamed, 'I WILL DO TO THIS BOTTLE WHAT YOU DID TO MY SOUL' and attempted to break her bottle against the bar, but instead she fell over…

That's gotta be the weirdest "allergy" yet. Even including red, and the great crunchy vs. crispy debacle. I'm pretty sure you literally can't LIVE without calcium. We don't need tons of it, but we've gotta have some...

I've taken to looking at my husband like a madman and telling him he needs to calm down so we can discuss things rationally whenever he starts getting upset or frustrated. The look I get in response is PRICELESS.

I work very close to a tower of dicks...

Um, 15+6 = 21 , not 23.

"Nobody knows how many toes you have left when you're wearing boots."

Mayo is the devil's condiment.

It's weird, we consider ourselves Midwesterners here in Chicago, but I'll be damned if this whole "Midwestern food sensibility" applies to the city. The idea that a place serving steak defaults to medium (instead of medium rare) is insane to me. Hell, I get my burgers medium rare any time I get the option.

How could you not include this part?

Today we learn of two extreme but opposite reactions to a spill...which is more unsettling? Frankly, I've been yelled at by enough customers I'd be more distressed by no reaction whatsoever. Left wondering if they would call and ask to have me fired later or leave a demented Yelp review with my name in it, but hoping…

JOVOVICH: Streams, grass, and sand dunes to climb.

If they're not the most insecure, they're certainly the most nauseating.