This article is a Sean O'Neal instant classic.

She falls off her bed at the beginning of the story.

*Return from break*

DAMMIT, CHLOE!

"Give Mr. Wonka a harrumph."

You can. Any info you'd need from the show is filled in in the movie.

I've seen Roman Holiday and Zodiac in the $5 bin. It's almost praise-worthy to be found in there now.

What about Spike Lee?

Such an optimistic timeline for their career longevity.

Only if you're old enough to remember the last few crops, which most of the target demographic isn't.

Nobody looks like a wax figurine at 21.

They airbrushed the hell out of that promo image up top, huh?

You know you wanted him to.

That makes two of us.

Oh, so that's your tumblr.

"Shazam will just be a movie about Dwayne Johnson smiling and glowering and directing one-liners at himself for 90 minutes, which actually sounds like an exceptionally good time."

And all of four people know about that, one of whom is dead, and the other two of whom are busy trying to bang/fight a dead girl.

"I'm going to blow up the town's food supply. Then people will like me."

Did they actually have a vote to put Rebecca in charge? I feel like someone should have a legitimate complaint about how every Tom, Dick, and Harry comes around and appoints themselves town leader.

What if it was arch nemesis Molly Ringwald?