I must have really fucked up, because I’m white and technically Jewish and I’m still not rich yet.

Every time some dumb motherfucker tells me to try online dating I want to take four shits and die. Tinder is useless and all I learned on OKCupid is that the only women on there who might remotely appeal to me live a minimum of two states away and they’re all looking for someone local, and that it doesn’t matter and I…

I swear to god 2016 if you take Carrie Fisher too I will find a way to conjure you as a person and make what remains of your life the worst hell you could possibly imagine I HAVE A LOT OF KNIVES AND A BIG IMAGINATION 2016 DO NOT FUCKING TEST ME

NO

Mad Cow isn’t sexually transmitted and there’s no gorillas in Zimbabwe (nor do they live in caves), you dumb fucking racist idiot asshole.

And here I am only following like, four shows, clearly I’m doing something wrong.

Even if he doesn’t, if his plans to kill every environmental protection he can get his hands on pan out then this is going to have repercussions for hundreds of years. The planet isn’t getting any healthier from our continued presence on it and this could potentially fuck over the entire biosphere for centuries to…

I saw the trailer for this before Arrival and was so violently disinterested that my skeleton tried to eject itself from my body to go on an introspective cross-country road trip to murder everyone who made it.

Well, now it’s all awkward.

Fuck, at least let me touch a boob or something first.

The way things seem to be going I think Führer might be more appropriate.

My phone says it’s currently sixteen below, and we’re supposed to expect it to get down to thirty-two tonight. I’m gonna have to call a cab to get home after work, because as I learned this week my car will not start when it gets this cold.

I am so glad I’ve never encountered Christmas carolers outside of fiction, because I’m not sure I’d have the willpower to not just close the door in their faces.

Ehh, they’d be dead long before they even reached the edge of our solar system, much less another star.

No, like, he literally just hits Putin over the head with a $5 claw hammer from Menards or something.

I’m so fucking pissed because I’ve been looking forward to this so hard but I’m not gonna be able to see it until Christmas Eve at the earliest.

Hey, you know what they say about omelettes and eggs.

First we need to get our hands on some X-wings.

We haven’t started them yet at the one I work at but if I’m remembering the assembly diagram correctly it’s pretty much like a Big Mac made on the smaller bun and with slightly larger meat patties than the cheeseburgers get. (1/6 pound, as opposed to the standard 1/10 and 1/4 pound patties.)