This is exactly why the Flag Code prohibits wearing Old Glory as clothing.  Flags gotta wave, dresses gotta sway.

Have you ever been driving down the road and you see a particular car off to the side and suddenly you think, for no obvious reason, “Betcha that fucker’s gonna pull right out in front of me,” and then he does it? Happens to me all the time, but I don’t know what the subliminal clues are that lead to this very useful…

If you can afford a second car, make it an Alfa! When it runs, it will be sheer delight to drive, and you’ll own an Alfa.

For a laugh I didn’t shave from April to April during the first year of the plague. It was nice during that season of mildly cool weather we in Florida call “winter,” like wearing a high-necked sweater everywhere without the effort of having to locate and put on a sweater. I cut it off before it got extra-hot so I…

Hell, if he’d had Guinness he would have just heaved the ATV off of himself with one arm (using the other to hold on to, and not spill, his beer).

I like it. Since it’s an extra-cost option, in the unlikely event I were to buy a Tesla (i.e. I win the lottery) I wouldn’t have to pay for that so-called “Autopilot” at all.

“Least delicious”? That soup would have been full of tasty, fresh sashimi, the freshest imaginable!  All you would have needed to make it perfect would have been a fifty-five gallon barrel of soy sauce.

get over a break up by smoking a blunt and crying into a glass of rum and Coke with Luther Vandross and Toni Braxton playing in the background like a normal person

Every word a lie, including “a,” “an,” and “the.”

One day I went out to the parking lot to go to lunch and there in the driver’s side footwell was an inch of green antifreeze. It looked like the toxic waste in the video game Doom. Turns out that getting to the heater core in a ‘99 Miata is as difficult as getting to it in that Sable, requiring the complete removal of…

Once I was on an airplane and there was a baby a couple rows back who was just crying and crying nonstop. My guess is his ears hurt from the pressure drop. I got up to go back to the restroom, and on my way back I leaned over and said “Hey baby, what’s the matter?” At the time I had a big white Santa Claus-looking…

Yet they all (well, all the male ones) trim the corners of their beards.  This makes God furious, but do they care?

If you cut off part of a finger you can just leave it as is, and then people who see your hand will probably think you’re some kind of bad-ass, maybe a Japanese gangster who has offended the boss. But if that’s not your thing, you can also get a prosthetic finger, carefully shaped and dyed to look like your OEM…

I’ve been pulled over in Florida for going the speed limit. I was driving on a two-lane road in South Florida when a police car came whipping out of a side street and got right up on my tail. Naturally I drove right at the speed limit because who wants a ticket, right? There was either a double-yellow line or enough…

A few months ago, I started reading about this scary awful thing called “critical race theory” all over the place. As it is a theory, and generally speaking theories exist in books, I did the most un-American thing imaginable: I went out and got some books by “critical race theorists,” and what’s worse, I read them.…

Not only are most babies pretty cute per se , but also it appears to be one of the strongest human instincts that all healthy human beings naturally find all babies cute. You can’t help it, any more than you can help jumping if somebody sets a firecracker off behind your back. I think it’s not an overstatement to say,…

They have put the fire out, but is the broken pipeline still leaking oil into the Gulf? It took five months to cap the BP Deepwater well.

The Rural and Isolated areas of the country will simply need a different solution.

There are a few parts of the world where gas-powered vehicles have distinct advantages over vehicles which need to be attached to a power grid. Two causes come to mind: very low population density and cold weather. Of course the vast majority of Canadians live in relatively densely populated zones with adequate power…

That’s right, but if that were the only reason none of the big, established car companies marketed an electric car in 2000, then why didn’t they market one in 2014 when the price of high-density batteries had dropped to the point Tesla could sell a Model S for Mercedes S-Class prices? The cost per kWh of existing…