Just remember, "sockdologizing" was the word that killed Abraham Lincoln.

I love any sport in which the ref has to put a competitor in a fucking sleeper hold. But holy shit, so many people must have died.

As someone living in Pennsylvania, I can with confidence say that I have been to Pennsylvania and cannot in good faith recommend it.

He won't have a tight end for long, am I right? Because he's going to prison, you see.

Ties are the fucking worst. Ties are the cancer of sports.

Pac-12 officials, amirite?

Sadly, this was one of the best matches on the show.

I took way too long to figure out the missing 32nd team.

To be honest, I'd say we're more of a Rolling Rocks place.

Bidding is currently at $85,978, or at 429,890 LeSean McCoy tips (LMT).

His only career NFL reception.

Ben Roethlisberger's first pass was an interception, so you have that going for you

More importantly: What the fuck is Andrew Lambo doing at first base?

27 1/3 years is vastly too lenient. If it were up to me, this douchebag would be getting the chair.

All right, now we're on the same page.

Pretend that kid's lemonade stand gets put in stores and gets called Hour Maid, then tries to sue Minute Maid to shut down their operation. That's a more equivocal circumstance.

So let me get this straight... CrossGYM makes a poor effort at copying the CrossFit trademark, makes a half-assed attempt at taking down a corporate giant, and suddenly CrossFit is the bad guys?

Fuck the NFL on so many levels, but I'm not going to stop supporting my Steelers because of it. Maybe I'll make an effort to not give money to official NFL sources, but the Steelers didn't have any part of this.

Sorry, wrong title. You were looking for "Mario Balotelli Buys Thing"

"If my team had three rings, I would skip around my neighborhood naked all day long, throwing cupcake sprinkles at everyone." My team has six rings and we're not allowed to talk about it or else we get the same shitty History Channel joke. Rooting for a team without a Super Bowl ring is very underrated.