I hate trying things on with the sort of furor most people reserve for child abusers and kickers of puppies. I can very quickly run through a store and know what items would be good buys for me. The enormous, annoying time suck is having to try every single one of them on.

Additionally, because I’m a statistics…

Vanity sizing is proof that the devil exists, I think. I am not the same size in literally any brand. I JUST WANT TO WALK INTO A STORE, GRAB MY SIZE, TRY IT ON, AND GIVE YOU MY DAMN MONEY.

FOR BOTH SHOES???? Awesome!

I super-limited knowledge/interest in guns and I immediately knew that was unpossible.

“You wanna throw your life into a 5 minute game of Russian roulette by jumping onto one of the rickety rust monsters in [Redacted]? All they do is measure you. If you’re “this” tall, that’s it. You’re good. Mark my words: one of those things is gonna fall like a house of cards. One of those ferris wheels is gonna…

I overheard one of the cops say someone had pulled out an .85

Who in the actual fuck has a pet water moccasin

And how?

They are both poets and wordsmiths of the highest order. I don’t see your problem?

wait i’m sorry

Why is Adam Sandler.

Agreed. I hate it when celebrities do this. I don't say I was shy and dorky to seem modest and relatable. It was actually a big source of pain for me and I still sometimes have to fight back against the insecurities that became a reflex when I was a kid. I wish people wouldn't coopt other people's pain.

I hate that Kraft caved to Fraud Babe, and I don’t even like their macaroni and cheese. If we only ate things the Fraud Babe was okay with, there would be nothing to eat because she is against everything because she can’t pronounce the ingredients.

Every time a white man tells me he had a great time in Southeast Asia, I ghost him.

“In Soviet Russia, Left Shark trademark YOU!”

I scratch at the part of the hair that is ingrown until I’ve scratched the skin away and then I pull it out with tweezers, but I’m not really recommending that. Probably not a good idea.

If anything, I like Left Shark in spite of any connection to Katy Perry.

Left Shark is so much bigger than Katy Perry. I think of this gif every time I feel like I have really killed at some task. And this gif is still funny to me.

This is a pretty good illustration of how even the people who apply for trademarks don’t really understand what trademarks are. You can’t just pee on something and have the government call it yours.