It’s fucking Southerners, and it is the goddamn worst. “Pop” is annoyingly twee, but on balance, I’d much rather deal with that than fucking “Coke.” Seriously, if you are reading this and you call all soda “Coke,” you are terrible and you should feel bad about the fact that you are terrible. Never, ever trust a person…

Next time I go out to a restaurant, just to be evil, I will declare that I keep Kosher - meaning that I can only eat fish that swim, not fish that walk around on the ocean bottom.

She proceeds to explain to him that only a hamburger contains meat, and that a cheeseburger is vegetarian. She says she knows this because she has been to McDonald’s in London literally *hundreds* of times in the last few years, and that a cheeseburger is always vegetarian when she orders one!

It absolutely is. “I don’t want your meatballs” is my new favorite way to tell someone to fuck off.

“Here’s a bowl of maple syrup”

Google Images is rich and abundant. Well, it had two.

Bichons have a tendency to take over your soul. My family used to have one. On Day 1, my Dad said, “I do not love dogs, not since my childhood Beagle, Skippy, died in my arms on Christmas day.”
On Day 2, my Dad was singing to the Bichon in a falsetto.

Judging by my lack of an arrest record, not drunk enough.

The real question we all want answered: How drunk were you Saturday?

That would be cold comfort.

You’ll save bread?

Except the one about the Jesus statue. That would have been awesome, and since Jesus was all about feeding the poor, I would have boxed up his meal and eaten it myself later after they left. After all, he wants people to eat his body, I don’t think he’d be pissed if someone ate his entree instead.

I know right? I feel like actual Jesus would knock over the statue and be like “YOU’RE WASTING FOOD THAT YOU COULD BE GIVING TO THOSE WHO ARE HUNGRY IN MY NAME!?! GET OUT OF HERE YOU DUMB FUCKS!”. Or something to that effect.

They only brought Jesus to dinner with them so they could get free wine.

I’ve been in service for a long time. The best answer to “Are you gay” or “are you a fag” is ALWAYS yes. They will practically run out of your restaurant/bar.

I have an interesting one from the perspective of a server.

"'It's OK, I promised her husband, before he killed himself, she'd never be alone. She hates to be alone.' She shook her head, 'All that crazy's just up there all the time.'"