Is that Lindsay Lohan with an Emma Stone filter?

Rated PB for pretentious bullshit.

“If you escaped what I’ve escaped, you’d be in Paris getting fucked up too.”--Katie Holmes

I love my extended family, but you couldn’t pay me enough to live with them, even in a palace.

Tom Cruise is 5'9" just like all guys on the Internet have 9" dicks.

If someone is sleeping next to a man, aren’t they already sleeping next to a dog?

Plus the ghost of Princess Margaret demanding another drink and singing show tunes off-key all night.

So how are we ranking Ryan’s?

Wow, can you imagine if they made a movie about you and put Ryan Reynolds inside your body??

I have never been more attracted to Zac Efron in my life.

Our president is perfectly happy with smearing the name of a murdered journalist in the interest of maintaining lucrative weapons contracts

I’m betting the reason he sounded so affectless in his texts about his family being “gone” is he honestly thought his replacement female would be as cool about as he was: “Gone? Terrific! I shall now move in, sex you, do all the chores, and bear replacement offspring units for you. Beep.” It never occurred to him that…

It’s the idea that suicide is something you can DO to a person by breaking their heart.  Obviously external circumstances can influence a person’s mood, but by saying it was because of a broken heart implies that Bourdain was wronged and whoever wronged him is somehow responsible for his death.  Not only that, but as…

Nothing says “opulence” like wearing clothes named for a big, obnoxious bird that shits absolutely everywhere. This spring I’m debuting my new luxury line “Incontinent Pigeon With Hormone Disorder”. Dickies and snoods will start at $8000 dollars. No dirty poors please. 

I’m a black attorney and when I used to go to court regularly, everyone assumed I was one of the defendants. I would be in a suit and have my files with me but would still get told I would be called up to the bench when it was time for the judge to hear my plea.

we also didn’t ask why you are vegan

As funny as the story is, it’s a nice ending that they were returned to the woods alive as opposed to how rabies is generally tested for. It would have sucked to have them euthanised only to find out “whoops - it wasn’t rabies”.

MBJ: I don’t only date white women.

I got in an elevator with 50Cent and he asked me if I had a case of the Monday’s.