You used an entire Muji? Bra-fucking-vo, sir.

There was a 100 pen set of gel pens at Costco the other day for fifteen and I literally gasped and had to be talked out of them by my boyfriend.

My greatest accomplishment of 2016, and my entire life, probably, was using a pen until it completely ran out of ink. I didn’t lose it. I didn’t chew it up until it was unusable. Nobody borrowed it during a meeting then kept it. I used up all the ink in the pen. Even now I’m kind of basking in the glow of that memory…

I find this to be an unpopular opinion among my largely 35-50 year old friends, but goddam I love my e-reader and I don’t care who knows it. It has that nice e-ink thing so it looks just like a novel. I can carry a kajillion books in one tiny package. It remembers what page I was on. I needed a third book in a trilogy…

I know. Do you ever listen to him speak and think, “Well I must be dead and/or in the Twilight Zone because there is no way in hell this can be real.”

I’m beginning to think the people claiming early onset Alzheimer’s may be on to something. He’s become noticeably more incoherent as the months drag on.

It is so, so bad when Mike Pence is a better option.

He has the mental capacity of a 5-year-old

Nothing witty, I just hope he fucking dies.

If you don’t have different countries competing to host every two years, how is the IOC going to justify those huge bribes?

The Olympics were only five months ago? Holy fuck - it feels like that was years ago. I miss Lochte being our primary unofficial national clown.

Wait, why is anyone sitting in the shower? Are we sure Charlie didn’t typo and leave an “h” out of the operative word? That would sound more like a Funbag question.

It’s so deeply ingrained it wouldn’t have ever occurred to me NOT to do that.

I’m from the South and I totally would have done that.

Having fun every weekend in your 20s is way better than doing it in your 40s.

I was just in Georgia on vacation (down from MA). At a playground with my pregnant wife and twin 2-yr old girls. A father of boy/girl on a bench points to my wife’s belly and says “Are you gonna get the next one right?” She asks “what do you mean?” He says “You know - y’all gonna get it right and have a boy?” My wife…

We secretly laughed at and mocked the couple who had 2 kids by age 21. Now they are out having fun every weekend at age 43 while our little shits are still in middle school.

Yes, that Savannah guy story is absolutely a southern thing.

Everything before November 8 seems like a far-away impossible dream, right now.....