This guy gets it.

I’m guessing you don’t have kids. I couldn’t put a rear-facing car seat behind the driver in my ‘04 Forester XT. My stomach would be on the steering wheel.  Not sure how that would work in a two-door hatchback, it sure sounds like horror.

No sliding rear doors...not a minivan.

But the reasons you mention, “decent cargo space, great ingress/egress for my aching knees...plus, being in sales I carry a log of stuff and people at times” all point to the minivan. You even mentioned all of their advantages earlier in your post.

*dumbass kids.

Our Sienna can pull 3,500 lbs.  Not sure what toys you’re towing, but that fits 90% of my towing needs.

Elements are great, don’t get me wrong, but they only seat five and they don’t have sliding rear doors.

Counter-counterpoint...AWD Toyota Sienna.  I only have two kids but minivan was the answer to family time.  When they each want to bring a friend somewhere, minivan shines again.  You’re just trying to make up excuses and likely just don’t like the “stigma” of a minivan.

Found the guy fucking with Korey’s car.

Well, my blood pressure and need for sleep demand Warriors in six.

Yo!

And his cousin?

I know that.  What’s his name?

Who is he?

Who made that man a gunner?!?

I was going to say “preach” but you’ve already done so and backed it up so eloquently.  Nothing left to see or read here.

I do, and it seems that what the post is about...crispy hash browns. 

Because it didn’t have the most important part of a minivan...sliding rear doors!!!

Do you really change the sheets after every sexual encounter?  Maybe if you’re single and don’t have a serious girlfriend.