I'll have you know it took a great deal of restraint not to respond with "I am. Fingers crossed there'll be a second one any day now" as opposed to saying "Yup" and checking my watch.

I might front hug that cupcake with my mouth if given the chance.

autism, ADHD, ppd, depression, etc....right? I usually mentally punch people in the face when this comes up.

Touche. I heard the Patton Oswalt bit about it but I haven't heard the song itself until just now.From Patton's description I assumed that song had to be so disturbing it was entertaining, and therefore not worse than "Silver Bells.*" You guys! The music, the lyrics, the dude's voice. "Christmas Shoes" is WAY worse…

WHATEVER HOLIDAYS YOU CELEBRATE, HAVE HAPPY ONES. THAT INCLUDES CHRISTMAS, KIRK.

Yup! "Enjoy whichever of the holidays coming up in the next few weeks that you happen to give a fuck about!" Except shorter.

Period cramps can be just kind of uncomfortable, like a stomach ache but lower. Or they can be like today, where I am at work and functioning but hopped up on pain meds and really white-knuckling this thing through waves of pain and nausea. Last night I laid on the couch and just dramatically cried out in pain at…

More like SMUGshot, right you guys?

I really wish the comedians who knew and loved RW - in other words, pretty much every comedian working today - would do another Comic Relief, this time for mental health charities.

Thank you. It was driving me nuts trying to think of a hot sauce named Tallulah. Wow.

She's so far removed from reality, it's ridiculous.

The chemicals on most all moist wipes are not great for your b-hole or genital area. I had to quit using them when I got this perpetually-itchy butthole. I couldn't figure it out. My doctor told me she was seeing a lot of people with chronic irritation down below from the flushable wet wipes that are suddenly all the…

Whatever.

I also got my passport pics taken at CVS, and they're some of the best pics that have been taken of me in my life. Given that pics taken in all other circumstances are generally terrible, I think it's safe to say that CVS is just good at taking opposite pics. Therefore, I'm gonna be doing all my partying,…

Funny how family values means the exact opposite of valuing families, isn't it?

If you take your coffee this way you should treat it as a dark and terrible secret and make it in the privacy of your own home with the shades drawn. You should NOT order it at 7:50 on a Thursday in a drive thru.

I find it a bit odd that I can be kicked out of a store for not wearing shoes ("no shirt, no shoes, no service"), but it's illegal to kick out someone who whips their tit out. I'm not saying that breastfeeding in public is wrong, but I really want to go shoeless.

Groucho Marx said that. I usually wouldn't care to correct it, but I hate giving Allen any undue credit.

Reformed texter & driver here. I wasn't glued to my phone or anything, but I'd pick it up and reply to texts I heard coming in, usually when at a stop light but let's be honest I wouldn't throw my phone down the moment it turned green. You know what actually worked? Those damn PSA's. Particularly the ones where the…

I type on my phone all the damn time and manage to not make egregious errors in grammar and spelling, because I'm Gen X and don't rely upon technology to make words for me. You only succeeded in making a point for the other side with pretty much everything about that post. Namely, that Gen Y is hopelessly dependent…