I wish this service was better, TBH. Just to vent. Friend had a problem, I convinced her to call. They put her on hold, said they were too busy that morning, and said they’d call her back later. Not how I wanted it handled, for sure. I had the cops do the welfare check and they found her still alive, in the garage…

The FBI is on it—but for their investigation to have any teeth they have to find solid evidence on a bunch of people who don’t.

I see the new KFC Colonel does not fuck around.

265 if he’s an ounce. I’m 5'9" about 200 and I’m nowhere NEAR as fat as that mother wannabedaughterfucker.

Well earned. I have no problem with all these Jaguars players taking shots at Pittsburgh. One thing is for certain, even though he wasn’t listed above, I can assure you Blake Bortles took several shots after the game as well.

Mike Tomlin= Andy Reid 2.0

Lennay is such a pretty name. You must be very happy.

I tell my friends I have a girlfriend, but she lives in Hawaii. Guess I’d better come up with a missile story too.

Lucky dude has a girlfriend to boot.

Woke AF.

That’s the best humblebrag I’ve read in years.

Guess these people nowknow what it’s like living in Afghanistan, or Iraq, or Syria, or Libya, or Yemen...so scary.

Stugotz?

“I have no idea what my known-racist-and-honestly-just-fucking-look-at-the-guy player said but whatever it was I’m confident the black guy didn’t get it”

It’s a reference that’s almost 10 years old. Might as well have been written on papyrus. 

They both come from a proud line of centaurs.

I don’t know. I don’t think it’s as bad as the time he tried barbering and went bonkers with the clippers.

The Papa Johns guy is the only person who somehow managed to handle the NFL anthem protests worse than Roger Goodell.

I reeeeeaaaalllly hope it’s with men. I mean, we’re all not lucky enough for that, but it would be nice.

“I’m gonna leave my green pepper in your box Jonathan.”