I know, right? How dare a celebrity tell a funny story on a talk show. The nerve.

Commander Shepard approves of this comment.

I’ve already prepared Cloten’s clotpoll for the occasion.

Alas, no.

I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s why he’s dead.

Some of us are happy when one of us can triumph, climb the heights, show us what’s possible. Others want everyone brought down to their level so they don’t feel as bad about themselves.

The derpface in this picture. Unimaginable.

Why Saint? I was expecting South. Or West.

And a ditch full of dead tea party congressmen. Please Santa, I’ve been really good, and bullets are cheap.

glue traps are a similarly horrifying way to leave the job half done.

What’s worse is that it probably does go through a staffer. Trump apparently dictates all his email to a secretary, who then types it for him. So probably there’s some poor intern who dies a little every time Trump says, “Hey, kid, I got a tweet for you.”

I’m betting he didn’t do it in front of the bosses, but the PAs and other people will less standing/ status.

They were probably posted here or on Gawker. The owner/ CEO got arrested for handgun and drug possession related charges a few years back. Not sure what’s happened to him since then.

I appreciate Stewart’s non-plussed look.

Because “Saddam tried to kill my daddy.” —Actual quote from GWB.

Alas this is true. And there’s virtually no chance of this blowing back on Saudi Arabia, because they’re our partners in the war on terror or something.

OMG when I looked at that picture on my phone I thought it was Chloë Sevigny. That’s not my weird sex dream though.

No, man. You misunderstand. I’ve always watched a little bit of everything.

You gotta vary your diet.

I know. We need to invent a fair-trade version of porn, whatever that might be.