They got a pass from me in that movie because high school kids do *really* stupid shit, especially when they’re trying to figure things out. I remember a lot of “okay, we’re never, ever mentioning this again, right? NO, NOT EVEN TO EACH OTHER.”

That’s interesting because I’m also totally cool with being friends with my girlfriend’s exes as long as they don’t contact me or her or look at me or her or exist on Earth.

i’m fine being pals with all of my wife’s exes...as long as i am better looking and more endowed than them.

From my coworker Jordan Sargent:

When i was just an innocent 12 year old mormon kid, my neighbor friends asked me if i had ever masturbated before, i said no not knowing what it was.

They explained that i just needed to get some soap for lubrication and rub my dick.

What they didn’t emphasize was they were talking about liquid soap or lotion. So that…

My wife an I always ask each other upon completion of something “Are you Sammi and Ronnie done, or done-done?”

reality show vet Tiffany Pollard

SEE

My historically worst date ever was with a guy who was late, insulted my hat, worked out my share of dinner plus tax and tip to the penny, professed his love for his teenage  lesbian roommate, and who said that oral sex was creepy and perverted. By then, honestly, I was hanging in for the sheer amazement factor.

At some point in one’s life, Halloween stops being on October 31 and starts being the last weekend in October.

Oh dear.

I went to Italy to visit a friend about 10 years ago. I went from a plane to a bus to a train to a cab to a hotel, and got SUPER sick. I managed to get checked into my hotel and made it to the bathroom in time to throw up...not in the toilet, of course, but in the bidet. I threw up so hard I peed myself, completely…

I just remembered this one too.

Back in October ‘97 there was a massive snowstorm that downed trees across Eastern Nebraska, and left my hometown of Lincoln in shambles. Power lines were down across town, trucks were stranded on the interstate and couldn’t make it into town, a state of emergency was declared, the national guard had to come in, etc.…

My freshman year of college I went out with my roommate. We “stopped by for a sec” at the house of a guy she wanted to hook up with. We had been drinking a lot and I kept having to pee. After going 3 times in 15 minutes, I got embarrassed.

I was staying at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico with my husband and one year old. I was also 7 months pregnant with my son. I never experienced morning sickness with either pregnancy but there’s a first for everything I guess.

Several years ago, I was drinking with some friends in a dive bar on the Upper East Side. I lived about 10 blocks south of the bar, and so when we left at around 3 a.m., I decided to walk home. Unbeknownst to me, I was the drunkest I’ve ever been without being blacked out (the next day, I discovered that my two…

Vomit story I’m most proud of:

sure seems like it...