I sprained my ankle years ago and was on crutches for weeks. My doctor said sometimes sprains can be worse than breaks because.... Ok I don’t remember but I DO remember him saying that because it’s how I got my roommates to do my laundry for me.

You know, if I ever grind my booty on someone again (I am old. I probably won’t) I hope he appreciates it like Drake. I don’t remember all the stupid frat boys I drunkenly ground on in college showing nearly this level of politeness.

Just a reminder ladies....

If I was paid $150 million to kill someone, I’d be buying a new identity ASAP.

That seems a shame.

“Her family is really scared for her safety,” said a source. “She’s just so isolated and spends all her free time watching trash TV and commenting on Jezebel.”

This is not Kim’s fault. You should be able to do whatever you want to do online without some asspieces breaking into your apartment and holding you at fucking gunpoint.

A French thief’s new house.

Rich people stuff

I wholeheartedly agree that this is the second best thing I’ve seen today.

they should pay their respects to the original Meatball Queen.

Jamie: “What are we cooking today Lindsey?
Lindsey: “Meth.”

• Christina Aguilera once “called a staffer from the other end of the house to get something like a towel that was mere feet away from her.”

Omg. My 8 year old asked me last night which would be worse, a horde of clowns invading or a horde of zombies. (He is of course asking me this through the bathroom door, because it was “really important” even though I was peeing) I told him zombies, because they eat you, and he replied “True...but...clowns.” Hard to…

Hyder told me one of his better characters was still active, and getting published (a male character, as it happens). I asked him to tell me where. He politely refused.

Okay, everyone, repeat after me...

MatisyahuSerious doesn’t think the Spice Girls reunion will include MatisyahuSerious if the Spice Girls reunion doesn’t include Spice Girls songs. [As If]

Monica: What?! What is it?

Is it wrong that I’d give up half my finger to have some chill time on a boat off the coast of Turkey?