Child, If you are only 15 lbs. overweight, you do not need a new diet. You need a wardrobe update, a make-up consult, and a change of attitude. I used to be a trainer, and I cannot tell you how many times I heard this — sometimes from women who were very attractive and slender or normal weight, sometimes from women…

So I walked out of my job yesterday. Like, handed over the office key and peaced da faq out. I haven’t quit a job like that in at least 15 years. (I work in entertainment ((costume dept)) so I switch up jobs frequently.) My boss, the designer, is/was such a hack AND a lazy fuck that I finally reached the breaking…

I got my kitten spayed today. I took a picture and she could be on a poster for animal abuse.

I’ve been sick most of the week and work is bumming me out a lot... but Zack Morris like my tweet last night and that made my whole week.

I went to Evergreen State College  in Olympia, WA. A very liberal school where there is no frats or sororities or grades and lots of acid.

I drank rosé and ate cheez-its in a hot tub this morning and I am not on vacation THAT’S JUST LIKE TYPICAL SEVEN AM SHIT TO ME.

The weirdest thing I ever saw in a bathroom happened to me. I was dating my new boyfriend, and he asked me to his Christmas party, which was held in a dive bar near Chinatown since the employees were paying for it. Shortly after we arrived, I excused myself  to use the bathroom. Having done so, I wanted a lipstick…

It’s not just a male thing this used to happen to my mom when she was stressed. So Walt Disney World when I was a kid. Right there in the Magic Kingdom. So bad she ruined her undies and had to throw them out. Then my dad had to give his underpants to her so she had something on in case it happened again involuntarily…

Back in my “managing a giant chain bookstore” days, one of the supervisors came running up to me at about 10:30 pm to tell me that we had a “situation” in the men’s room. Usually this just meant a stack of jizz-stained “Maxims” and “Men’s Healths” in the handicapped stall, so I just said, “we’re closing in 30 minutes,…

I could tell you stories of feces painted on walls, bloody pads left on floors, or even funny stories of empty dvd cases people use to leave in the toilets at my old work... but since this is more focused on disturbing than disgusting I will tell a different story. At the time we were living in Houston- but once a…

What? Is that weird?

Well, second date? Did she ever find out? One and done? Sorta reminds of the girl who live tweeted to her sister about a poop incident on a first date....

Honestly the timing of this isn’t just spooky.

Not disturbing, just odd.

I don’t know if this really counts as “public” but when I was in the Navy, the aircraft carrier I was on made a port call in Karachi, Pakistan. We had been out to see for something like 45 days, and everyone was a bit stir crazy. On the way in, as they usually do, the public relations department made repeated…

I was 17 (18 maybe?) years young working at a Starbucks when we were visited by a couple we soon came to know as the Mocha Frap Couple. Their MO was as follows: order a Venti Mocha Frap, proceed to the restroom while the drink is being made, smear handfuls of human feces they had brought with them in a plastic market…

In a KFC bathroom, at around 8 or 9 in the evening circa 1992, I entered a men’s room out of sheer bladder desperation because the women’s room was out of order. I opened the door and after recovering from the stench that flew out of the newly cracked door like sins from Pandora’s Box, I saw the the phrase “Why?” and…

I summon the Jezzie who is the reason I will never eat pumpkin seeds again.

A big pile of jizz on the floor...but not exactly in a bathroom. It was in a port-a-potty, on the first day of an estate sale in rural Illinois at 9 in the morning. So, somebody woke up really early to go to an estate sale in the middle of nowhere to jizz on the floor of a port-a-potty. Now that is dedication.