I’ve eaten sandwiches weighing more than 3 lbs. I hope that qualifies as a workout!

*I* didn’t want to be in the room when I was giving birth, so I’d only have welcomed Ms. Perry if she wanted to trade places. Seriously, while pushing I said, “I don’t want to do this anymore” and my OB said, “Eugene, you’re THE ONLY ONE who can!”

That’s awesome. My stepdaughter’s first baby was a tough labor for her. I, being stepdad, felt like a complete 9th wheel in the room, but whenever the contractions got severe she called for me to come hold her hand, stroke her hair, and talk to her. She said later that I was the one calming presence during the whole…

If Trump is elected everyone will die except for one drunk and his family.

I want Rita Wilson to understand that it’s Tom and me, not Tom and I.

I have never had any interest whatsoever in a threesome. I’m not morally opposed but I suspect it’s like showering with a partner—one of you is always standing away from the water, feeling chilly with shampoo in your hair.

Texas is a large and varied state. I am certain you have not met all of us.

1. Running into my dad at the polls while voting for Michael Dukakis, and I was completely baked.

Yeah, but have you ever had your lice-infested scalp combed out... ON WEED?

The point is that dudes want to take the opportunity to tell us how big their wieners are.

Someone once described to me, in great detail, how awesome and great coke makes you feel. I will never, ever try it. It sounds TOO great, you know? I would be an instant after school special!

I apologize for making you do that. Have a drink and tell them to put it on my tab.

karlie

I prefer “female” to modify a noun — it just sounds more grammatically correct to me — but my editors disagree and changed it.

She must have started watching The Bachelor and now understands precisely what “the right reasons” for dating somebody are.

For...which one?

And I *JUST* got engaged Sunday evening. FUCK! I knew I should’ve held out a little longer...

So kind of OT but I wish someone would explain to me why the glorious Mrs. Carter drives wingnuts insane? Her voice is heavenly. I mean that almost literally. She can do soulful ballets but that voice can also product thunder and lightning when she wants to. She’s a better gospel singer than she is a pop star. She’s…

She’s auctioning them off. I hope she spends all the proceeds on something hugely impractical, just because she wants it.

I think his argument is that he had consensual sex with a woman and that she “changed her mind” and reported him for assault, and instead of approaching the matter “objectively,” they unfairly chose to believe the female victim and kangaroo-courted him because of said “pro-female, anti-male” bias. I.E., they only…