I completely understand where you’re coming from, because I’m the same way. Literally the only person I’ve ever lived with who gets this about me is my mom. She understands that for the first 30 minutes when I first wake up and come home, I need to be by myself and decompress. We’re also both comfortable telling each…

I’m very aware of how addiction works, and I never said I think he should be thrown in jail without treatment.

Exactly. I watched his Dr Phil episode and he had written to him wanting help, but once he was on the show it was clear he wasn’t interested. He just wanted to “spread awareness" about depression... Which is not a bad thing, but he refused to talk about his own issues.

In some ways, those situations are both equally absurd. At least your truth is out there! And I believe you! :)

Okay, now I'm convinced that all your stories are really viral marketing for a new horror movie about an old couple in rural Nowhere, USA whose house becomes overcome with demon ghost critters.

Hahahahahaha oh my god, I hope you set them straight! Although “there was a lizard in my panties, I swear!” doesn't really seem like the most legit excuse...

I am both horrified and mad at your mom, because I think the mere description of the tidal wave is going to give me nightmares. And was there no smell?

When I was 11 or 12, my family’s house became infested with brown recluse spiders. A woman at our church had a chunk of skin on her leg missing from a bite she’d gotten from one as a teenager and I was TERRIFIED of getting bit.

One of my best friends tried to call an old friend from middle school several years ago. My friend had moved 4 hours away after 8th grade and had only kept up with this person off and on. She mis-dialed and the guy who answered was pretty chatty, and they realized they had been friends in middle school too! They ended…

Maybe, but he needs to pay off his debts to Best Buy before we get hitched. ;)

I've had the same number for almost 5 years now, and I still get calls and texts for the guy who had my number before me. I know his birthday, where he went to high school, that he's estranged from his grandparents, and that a LOT of collections agencies are looking for him.

It’s different than a coroner’s office of course, but if someone would’ve offered me a kitten to snuggle during the looooong meetings at the funeral home when we were making my dad’s arrangements, I would've been all about it and I'm not even a cat person.

Good point. I used to frequent a liquor store that had a fat three-legged cat roaming around and I thought it was awesome. If I was allergic or scared of cats or something, there were at least 3 other liquor stores in a mile radius. Pretty different than a government office.

I hope she grows up and decides to change her name and yells at her parents “I’m not Josey Dorsey anymore!”

I love the shit out of that song. The last pseudo-breakup I went through I listened to it and Beyonce’s “Jealous” over and over on a loop. It was a weird time.

Thank you for explaining that, because I have zero knowledge of how drafts work, and the only drafts I ever give a shit about are on Jez

I love this idea! My car would be a combination of “everyone just be nice to each other and have a good day” on one side and “fuck you maroon Carolla, I hope someone cuts you off on your way to HELL!”

Right? Like if I were rich and famous I'd buy an inconspicuous car and pay for a 24/7 on call driver. I wouldn't be driving my damn self around in a velvet car.

I’m a pescetarian, and I’m currently living with my mom and she’s mostly adapted to my way of eating. But I introduced her to an amazing black bean burger at a local place, and she keeps telling people “You wouldn’t know the difference! It tastes just like a real burger!” No. It tastes very good, but it tastes…

When I worked at a Forever 21, at least twice a month we’d get a notice from corporate to pull something off the floor because of a cease and desist or a pending lawsuit. It was nuts how much stuff they ripped off.