This straight up is the best descriptor! Thank you for putting into words what I have been attempting to convey for years!

It’s a vinaigrette. [eye roll]

It feels funny to star you for something horrible, without acknowledging you or your story. I believe you and stand with you. You aren’t alone.

A random apostrophe or two would have really set it off. Like D’Ekla’n. Or De’k-z’lan. (the Z being silent of course).

Imma leave this here

Thank you for making my heart grow three sizes today.

Came looking forward to this. Was not disappointed.

I was legit upset that he said hi to my name the other day.

I would pay good money to watch Rachel Madoow eat this turkey’s liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

I’m doing two bottles of cheap cheap cheap ‘champagne’. I keep it classy like that.

Well done.

You and me both. I don’t step in cat vomit on the regular, and it’s freaking me the fuck out.

I used to work next to a lake with a bunch of ducks. I thought they were cute until I saw them mate. MY GOD. I’m talking straight up grab the female by the neck, hold her head under water horror show. Brutal. Not so enamored with “cute” ducks anymore.

I know. Put a baby in front of me and I am either trying not to touch it or trying not to make that ‘get it away from me’ face. Put a kitten in my vicinity and I’m like

I’ve never been so pleased by a survey result: I’m A MOTHERFUCKING CAT LADY!

You must know that will never, ever happen. Papa’s gotta milk his cash cow. Sad, but true.

Let’s get real... a vegetable is only truly edible if it’s been cooked in bacon grease, smothered in butter and cheese with bacon crumbled over the top. #truth #baconislife #baconbaconbacon #bringmeallthebacon #youheardme #allthebacon #hashtag

I am so fucking glad she has attorney. Hopefully she’ll get a fat settlement out of the deal and can get a good financial start in her adult life thanks to it. God knows her adolescence has sucked balls.

And in other news, I’m going straight to hell.