I know. Put a baby in front of me and I am either trying not to touch it or trying not to make that ‘get it away from me’ face. Put a kitten in my vicinity and I’m like

I’ve never been so pleased by a survey result: I’m A MOTHERFUCKING CAT LADY!

You must know that will never, ever happen. Papa’s gotta milk his cash cow. Sad, but true.

Let’s get real... a vegetable is only truly edible if it’s been cooked in bacon grease, smothered in butter and cheese with bacon crumbled over the top. #truth #baconislife #baconbaconbacon #bringmeallthebacon #youheardme #allthebacon #hashtag

I am so fucking glad she has attorney. Hopefully she’ll get a fat settlement out of the deal and can get a good financial start in her adult life thanks to it. God knows her adolescence has sucked balls.

And in other news, I’m going straight to hell.

Is it bad that I want it to be a sex position?

I was afraid to Google that, I’ll be honest.

I aim to please

Still my favorite gif of all time

First they came for my beef and I did nothing, then they came for my bacon and I accidentally found myself agreeing with a nutjob.

There’s this newfangled thing called detention. I’m not sure, but that might have been a better course of action than, I dunno, assault. Maybe that’s just the cop-hater in me talking.

I think you have an incredible strength and grace, just by reading this and your responses to some of the obvious butt-wipes who responded in the comments (looking at you redstatebluewoman).

Hello, lunch.

Don’t care. Bring me my bacon.

Ooh, ooh, I know, I know. Pick me!

I know, oh god, I know. He’s just so reprehensible, though. Usually I feel bad for the sign people - the end is nigh folks or vote for Jeb! morons. But I see this guy every Friday and I just want to throw waterballoons filled with red water and little plastic fetuses at him.

I have lost the power of words. Commincation now solely via gifs

Yeah. He’s protecting “INNOCENTS”. Sure. Pull the other one, fella, it’s got bells on it.