My ex had a favorite tp. It was the only one I was allowed to buy, and it was expensive! The moment he moved out I bought the cheap shit (still 2-ply bc I’m not a monster). My butt felt so rebellious.

Does anybody else avoid grates as much as possible no matter the footwear, bc of a paranoid and totally unreasonable fear it’ll give way and you’ll fall in? No? Just me? It’s OK, I’ve accepted my neurosis.

I love your username and now I have to rewatch all of 30 Rock again.

I couldn’t be prouder of my trashy roots! By the by, Sheriff’s wife was named Wealthy. Wealthy Weaver. She didn’t live up to her name either.

Guess we should be glad she didn’t date a Packer

Can’t wait to hear how my mom mangles this name! She’s the living embodiment of that SNL sketch.

Rob seems like the kind of guy who’d name his really impressive poops (I’ve sadly known a couple of those guys in my younger days). I bet he’s had a couple of Juniors already.

I’m sure the Illuminati tinfoil-hatters are losing their damn MINDS over this one.

As an aside, will I ever stop being in love with Paul Rudd? I still cackle at videos of him going on Conan to promote his films and showing that scene from Mac & Me. It never gets old. I’m so sad.

Staff Sergeant

My great-great-grandfather was named Sheriff. He did NOT live up to the name. I guess what I’m saying is my family were really trendsetters in the dumbass name department.

Ugh with that name. I pronounced it “Merkit” in my head.

Real talk: I’d totally watch a Belichick makeup tutorial on YouTube.

YOU’RE NOT EVEN MY REAL DAD

Late to the party, but hell yes to this! Thank god my fridge has opaque doors.

Tina Belcher?? I LOVE YOU!

I’ve heard that about Breckin before, which makes me a little sad bc 2001 me thought he was cute in Road Trip (don’t judge).

Ah, dads :) this story makes me laugh a lot. Jezebel should do a story about wtf things our dads have said, good and bad. My dad and stepdad have said some doozies.

I just ordered a pair of Target’s leggings online and by combining discounts like the cheap old lady I am, I paid $12. I love their athletic wear.

Oh god. I’ve had some odious bosses, but at least none of them have touched me. I hug my kid and my close friends but other than that I’m all NO TOUCHING