A Schiano Man grunts every time he stands up from a sitting position.

A Schiano Man never pays in exact change because he's not a calculator, he's a man.

A Schiano man always chooses Seagal over Van Damme because "a real man doesn't solve problems with his feet."

A Schiano Man teaches his son how to tackle by tackling his son.

A Schiano Man doesn't consider "a little choking" to be spousal abuse.

Sing us a song you're the Schiano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a clusterfuck
And there's no end to this shitshow in sight

That is just sad. I mean, why does Disney on Ice need to take up an entire arena? Ted Williams only seats one.

Wait, I thought the WNBA was the Mickey Mouse operation.

Something something Tebow.