Two things.

Ah, so that's why I had to get overboard2@aol.com. Beat me to it, Witherspoon!

I have to assume it's literally children, like middle schoolers. They're a little hazy on how things work, and maybe they're egged on by friends. I don't know.

If you're not on a radio program sponsored by GE or Lucky Strikes, you're not a real celebrity.

Real celebrities? No.

People are profoundly stupid.

It's simply canonical fact that the Lasso of Truth is not equipped to fit fatties. William Moulton Marsto was very insistent on the matter.

Yes, I was being hyperbolic. Thanks for noticing.

Hiring me as your attorney, you'll also recieve this free smoking monkey.
Look… he's taking another puff!

Hey, AV Club, maybe stop trying to raise my blood pressure on the day healthcare dies?

It should be a fireable offense in Hollywood to ever agin use the sentence “As far back as I can remember."

Chewbacca's father Itchy will be there, fapping up a storm, as is his wont.

This is all just an unfortunate distraction from the important strides Tom Delonge is making in the field of UFOlogy.

[Stares at Caffeine Spider expectantly, with growing impatience]

Humor is the reversal of expected behavior, you say?

God, this season's gonna be dark!

Off camera, one hopes. Maybe a character reads the occasional postcard he sends.

Better yet, keep one of those Dick-in-a-Box box's handy, and just excuse yourself, saying you've got a package to deliver.

And what fate befell the Pine Weasel?!?!

Paris, Texas Twin Peaks.
(And the new season shot in Paris.)