You can't spell "precedent" without "president". Wait, you can? Oh, never mind then.

I really, in real life, no joking, have a stick-and-poke "hole" tattooed on my right cheek, because a friend was making an "ass tattoo" themed zine. I'm a real idiot, or, er, asshole, I guess.

This article actually made me get a lump in my throat. She was really brave to appear in that movie. And she did an excellent job.

Human sacrifice, spiders and mountain goats working together—mass hysteria.

Oh! I thought it was Gambit, but this makes more sense.

No garmonbozia for you!

Wow, George, wow!

You make 16 comments and what do you get?
Empty validation on the internet.

!elpoep eseht era ohW

But is there a Cybertronian word for…"love"?

Trust me, don't order the Ew Bowl.

I think they're Japanese Beat poets.

You think he'd be a fan of the plagiarized comedy of Twitter personality The Fat Jew?

So you see, your honor, I had to abandon him in the wilderness for a year.

But Jack LaLane is dead now. Check. Mate.

From now on, whenever I'm at a loss of what to do with my body, while onlookers stare expectantly, I'm going to do Elijah's cool fall-to-the-floor move.

The fact that you're actually a documentarian casts a sinister light on this comment.

Oh, Danny! How could you be so naïve? Court cases are decided by a series of blowjobs!

Like chunky-framed glasses, for instance.

Buy Queen Elizabeth Lead Foundation and be the alabaster beaut of the ball!*
(*May cause minor lead poisoning, hair loss, muscle paralysis, and a slowly deteriorating mental condition.)