I have a huge ass, and I fricking move. But I'm half Russian so, you know, shit ain't gonna steal itself.

I want to fart on this guy after a week of eating nothing but pepperoni and dried fruit.

There's a lot of competition, but #PeaceAtChristmas may be my most hated hashtag at the moment.

Yes, it's sad that these protest are going on during happy, happy Christmas time. But most importantly it's sad police can choke hold a man to death and not pay for it. But forget about that, it's Christmas time, where real life doesn't exist.

It's really sad reading the timelines of a lot of white people I know saying things like "Ruining the Tree lighting ceremony. Ruining thanksgiving. Ruining traffic. Ruining the holidays." The disconnect, the lack of understanding, of empathy. It's as if the racial problems in America don't register in their hearts,…

MEAT'S BACK ON THE MENU, BOYS!

I can't be alone in thinking I hope Karma comes back to bite both of them in the ass.

I see you used the pronoun "him," so you're saying Karma's not a bitch?

The naval story gained notoriety shortly thereafter, prompting a full investigation and a series of Congressional hearings.

During high school I washed dishes in what passed for a fancy seafood restaurant in my outer-borough neighborhood. The entrees came out with a twice-baked potato and a little mini-bowl of vegetables. The owner instructed us that if potato or vegetable came back untouched we were to give it to the cook so he could…

The chefs themselves were determined to be blameless; they apparently had no idea they were serving Sei Whale to undercover agents of U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, U.S. Customs and Border Protection and National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

For some reason I'm only now realizing that Chris Hemsworth is my ponytail exception. Anyway: here are some important pictures of a Very Large Man with his Very Tiny Baby.

BABY HARRY STYLES

What is a "Diplo?"

What did you do? It reeks. It's like a hot foot forest.

He just wanted to meat a nice girl.

I'm often surprised at how much I love Deadspin.

It was a pretty funny list, actually. The "red wine (except merlot)" part made me laugh out loud.