I read The Circle and it reminded me of a recent job interview I was on.

Long term freelance = we want a full time employee but we’re too cheap to give you health insurance

“Polished appearance” = we only hire thin, conventionally attractive white people

Fuck it, I'm gonna shop all my writing as Chad Nutsack.

We didn’t have Ninja Turtles last night, but Civil War got a little cheer from the crowd and everyone was laughing their asses off at the sloth.

If you’re a pleasant person who doesn’t act like a delay is the gate agent’s fault, they will be more likely to work with you.

If there’s ever a completely appropriate time to swear at work, it’s when you drop something heavy on your foot.

Get a cards against humanity deck and play it with them on holidays.

The kid you do want is the one with a healthy appreciation for all forms of language and the knowledge when to and not to use it. Pretending a certain set of words don’t exist doesn't help with that shit.

Fuck that shit.

As long as it doesn't stifle their creativity or self-esteem or whatever the fuck I'm supposed to give a shit about when your little nuisance is disrupting an entire restaurant.

And two-year-olds theoretically have parents who discipline them when they do that*

Yeah but this was in DC

People with that kind of money often have rooms no one walks in.

Ewoks are awesome and fuck you if you say otherwise.

I was kind of hoping ticket system meant you were implementing a fine.

I was at my friends house the other day and I kept asking her baby what she was bitching about when she cried.

The face I just made does not come in emoji form.