I started reading and at first, I recoiled because OH NO too much emotional realness but by that point I had to finish what I started and I’m glad I did because my contact lenses were feeling kind of gritty and now my eyeballs are sparkling clean.

I for real thought the “can of veggie paste” was going to be for your FACE or something and whaaaaaaaat jesus christ, germany.

In light of the topic of this article, here are some resources for anyone who needs help:

Pretty sure this was the birdcage set up

Yes. It’s beautiful, magical garbage as far as I know.

My hair is just like me. It just sort of lies there lethargically. Indifferent to the world.

Jarvis is an area/street in Toronto.

Fucking Cleavon Little. God he was so beautiful in that buckskin suit. Come for the comedy, stay for the Cleavon.

And? Look, I’m not stupid. I’m fully aware that cats don’t talk. Cats make a variety of noises. Sometimes people think those noises sort of sound like words. What does it hurt to tell people on the Internet about how my cat sometimes made cat-noises that sounded like people-noises? I know he wasn’t really talking, but…

Honestly. The wife works from home 3 days a week and the nanny is probably there while she works at home, like my son is at daycare 5 days a week while I work outside the home. That’s not a luxury: they probably pay much less those of us with full-time daycare do. And someone having who comes in an hour or two twice a…

I was in the grocery store as a teen with my mom and as we walked down one of the aisles 2 giggly girls a little older than me in super short, tight skirts walked quickly past us headed for the condom section, and I was mortified because I was sure my mom would take that as some kind of opportunity to have the safe…

To preface this: the following story takes place in Florida.

Once, my mom and dad told us they were giving us the house for the weekend while they were taking a cruise. I was 18 and I was going to have friends over. It was going to be a fantastic weekend!

When I was 3 years old, I accidentally murdered my pet goldfish. My mom came into the living room after having one of those “it’s been too quiet for too long” realizations, and found that both I and the goldfish we had procured that morning were missing. She found me a few minutes later, giving the goldfish a tour of…

And what do legit scientists say? EWG is not credible at all.

I’m already freaked out by the trailer for the scary grandparents movie.

You see, one day, one of our nannies...I can’t remember her name Maria or something I’m not sure...What’s that? Her name is Jane? No that can’t be right, maybe its Josefina. Anyway, she brought him a birthday present! A shirt from Old Navy. I was worried of course that her feelings would get hurt if we cut it up and…

Kids are terrible. That’s awful advice.

My love for ASkars defies logic (and gender). Keep doing you, you beautiful Scandinavian devil, you.