He drove.

For countries outside the U.S.:

My husband said that he would turn me into a diamond, set it in a ring, and give it to his new wife.

Also, while we're on the subject:

I like that too!

The Bible is the only source of truth. Anything written by man cannot be infallible.

Lupita!! You continue to make so many good choices. KEEP IT UP!!!

Being the least cool Murdock. #RupertsFault

My dad bought me my first thong bikini, without being prompted.

When my wife was preggo with our first child, her midwife suggested that she eat the placenta and my wife just started laughing. The midwife was like WHAT? IT HAS NUTRIENTS and my wife was like BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOPE YOU EAT IT

When I was in high school I had knee surgery on December 26 and the combination of immobility and hydrocodone made me super constipated and my mom had to give me an enema. At age 18. Worst NYE of my life.

And god noticed, and now the person who did it will not go to heaven.

I'm a 30 year old woman but I'm starting to dad dance a little bit. Like, I make fists until I catch myself doing it. That never used to happen. Am I destined to become a dad? Are we all dad?

The monkey is standing on a see-no-evil monkey statue. I love everything about this.

I've got one that Timehop reminded me of today actually.

I worked for a hospital with a pretty successful heart program. One of the cardiovascular surgeons (in his 50s) would rent out a bar for the night every christmas and provide lots of drunk snacks and an open bar.

Well, this story isn't from a holiday party, but it was an office party, and I sure as hell did make an ass out of myself. It was my first big party at my first real job; I was in charge of planning the day's activities, so naturally I was in panic mode for an entire week straight before the event. I wanted to impress…

In grad school someone kept using my fancy shampoo. I used an empty bottle for the olive oil I put on my legs after shaving, and the problem stopped toot sweet. My roommate thought I was being mean (SUSPICIOUS!); I said, "At least it wasn't Nair."