I started following soccer when I was out of the country teaching English one summer. It was in 2008 during the Euro Cup and the cafe where I ate each night always had a game on. Torres made me love Spain, then he unfortunately made me think I loved Chelsea. It took a few years until I learned better and managed to…

Carmelo Anthony never would’ve done that.

You’re supposed to put your caveat lector at the beginning of the post. That way people don’t read everything before they get to the warning telling them they shouldn’t read everything.

You never see Matthew Dellavedova at these pickup games.

Sad for Jimmy, but this is great. Every time one of his former backups who played wonderfully in NE turns into a pumpkin elsewhere, Tom Brady chews a pair of Kraft’s slippers.

“AB throwing to himself for 10,000 yards proves how selfish he is! We got Big Ben who spreads the ball to both Ryan Switzer and Jesse James!”

I love watching this disaster but also hate anything that makes a Steelers fan happy. I’m genuinely conflicted here. 

BUT WHICH ONTOLOGICAL FRAME DOES A CORNER KICK PRESUPPOSE?

I’m truly awed by your dedication to shoehorning this joke in there.

It’s particularly cruel that the defender got credit for the OG when his keeper’s senseless flying header made it all happen. 

That’s true, but for us plebes there’s no hope of getting a comment out of the grays unless it’s one of the first on the article. You’re just gonna have to beep the horn while you type on your phone and hope there is no one around the blind corner of the loading dock. 

Excellent. However, if you worked at the same warehouse where I worked you’d know none of these things are necessarily true.

Well, this is cold!

Coincidentally, none of the takeaways are by Shaw. 

I know it’s good fun to rag on Manchester United, but I think they have a legitimate shot at avoiding relegation this season. 

Maybe he doesn’t want anyone to see the food going in, either. 

Generic face, but a pretty NC-specific beard.

S.A.D. to see so many people failing to appreciate Sun. 

“Swerved a laser? I’m here for that.”

I usually just miss the chance to putt for triple bogey.